guangzhou

Photo/James K Lowe.

I woke up at 6:23am this morning, the last day of this year. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t sure if that was due to the fact that I’d left the east-facing venetian blinds up and the light was pouring in and keeping me awake, or because tomorrow is going to be 2016 and my body was telling me to take note and that I was having some anxiety about change.

Either way it’s 5:37pm now and I can safely say that December 31st of 2015 has felt like any other day, and tonight will be like most other nights. This year is our year to have Ben’s 6 year old son, Oli, so tonight isn’t going to be a party, we aren’t going to go out. That would’ve stressed me out a lot in previous years, but for some reason it doesn’t as much today.  To be honest, I’ve never really liked new year’s eve – the high expectations leading to almost inevitable disappointment. Also, I’m old. Old enough that I don’t think people are going to ask me what I did for the turn of the year and expect a great story.

All that being said, it is funny to think about 2016. It sounds fucking futuristic, doesn’t it? Two thousand and sixteen! You can see why people commit suicide over new year’s – you’re forced to be reminded that time is flying by and sometimes it just feels like everyone is racing past and you’re just there, doing the same shit on a different day. The achievements feel small, tiny steps, easily forgotten. Sometimes I think too much about my role on the earth and the purpose of life and it gets to the point where I’m like, what IS the point? I live, I consume, I die. What does it matter if I don’t reply to an email on time? What does it matter if I eat KFC for dinner? We’re all going to die anyway! I’m a tiny speck of dust in the galaxy. That’s the weirdest thought, if you think too hard about how small you are in the universe, it can get pretty depressing, like why bother getting out of bed? But occasionally it feels freeing, to remember that life can be boiled down to basically food, water, shelter and doing things that you like. That it can be that simple.

Well that took a really weird turn.

I’m not sure what the point of this was. I guess I felt like I owed everyone something to close off the year. It has been a really interesting year (for me, anyway). If I think about what I was doing this time last year, I am in a really different place. It doesn’t feel like much changed, but in actuality, so much has for me and the people around me in a way that has affected me. It’s all so fluid. I’ve thought about the environment way more than I ever have before, about friendships, family, relationships. I EXERCISE now. I have been questioning why I behave the way I behave more.

The ungenerous part of me wants to go into it all because it is just so self indulgent and gratifying to talk about yourself all day but the sane, rational part of me also realises that this is of not much interest to the general public that are able to read this, and also maybe people wouldn’t like their dirty laundry aired here you know? Haha. One thing I will say though, is that I’ve noticed that every year that goes by, the tougher I get. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s an observation. I get stronger (this year, physically as well as mentally), and less tolerant of things I don’t like or think are wrong. Tougher. Like an old steak.

Enough public self-reflection. What I’m really trying to say is that I hope that whoever you are, wherever you are reading this, that you get time to think about your 2015, and as a whole I hope it has been one full of change and growth and achievements and insight and enough good times to outweigh the bad ones. Or at least enough good times that you remember them.

Happy 2015 readers, stay safe and I’ll see you on the flip side.